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Sunday, November 30, 2003
Beazley, Latham, Rudd or a drover's dog
I am not much of a Monty Python man but i do inaccurately remember a few quotes. I vaguely remember a Python scene where a guy is in a plague-ridden village. He's wandering the streets with a wheelbarrow ringing a bell and calling, "bring out your dead ! Bring out your dead ! " ? Sound familiar Python people ?
Anyhow, if the ALP was that poxy village they have finally tapped the man on the shoulder and pointed him and his barrow towards Crean. Thank Christ ! I could smell him from Granville.
It is not just in things olfactory that the ALP have troubles. Crean is off but they now find themselves without an obvious, time serving boob to replace him with. Don't get me wrong, i am rather fond of the ALP. Mainly cos they aint the cloaca-lition.
So, in dot point Gallimaufry style here's my take on the contenders for the leader of the opposition.
Beazley, Kim : The ALP need to take 8 seats off the coalition to win Goverment. If you want to take odds of them winning between 0 and 7 seats then Beazley is your man for sure and bet up big. Big Kim, a two time loser already, is also, but the odds aren't good, the best chance Labour have of winning. Mainly cos voters "recognise" him and the electorate traditionally takes between 10 to 15 years to know someone's face sufficiently well to want them as PM. Go figure ? Personally, i think Beazley had two terms as leader and he spent them doing nothing but reading a thesaurus and eating cabbage soup every second Wednesday. He's still chunky and would never read the Daily Telegraph unless an advisor thrust it into his hands while he was taking a dump. And it's all about The Telegraph. Dickhead. Disloyal and No idea. But it's all about winning. If i was voting, i'd drink a third of Bourbon, have a few cones and cast my vote for him. ODDS - 2 to 1
LATHAM, Mark : I like Latham a lot. He's not perfect but Christ, Howard is PM. Putting policies aside, being a political leader in Australia is essentially nothing but an exercise in saying the one thing, sounding like you mean it and saying it in a way that the people get. Latham can be, as my mother would put it, rude, crude and unattractive but he is not a bullshitter. The rest of the ALP sound like they are reading lines off of an autocue. When Latham makes a point, he does sound like he means it. But his exploration of a range of "ideas" over the last few years means the Coalition can paint him as someone with a million points of view but believing in no one thing. I think Australia needs an ideas man in charge but the charge the Coalition will level at him is too big a liability. Also, unfortunately, i don't think Australia is ready to go from Howard to someone who uses the word, "arselicker," in public life. Doesn't bother me but takes all sorts. Crean loyalists, who would risk losing to spite Beazley,will vote for him and there'll be lots of them. I'd like to see him as PM one day but this is not his best shot at it. ODDS - 35 to 10.
RUDD, Kevin : Bad teeth and speaks with a voice that sounds like it belongs in the Liberal party. The preferred candidate of Bob Carr and Phillip Adams. A high brow ponce. Would make a capable Foreign Minister. More people would recognise the Dentist whose face can't be shown on TV. I am not going to write any more. He's dreamin'. ODDS - 10 to 1
DOG, A drover's : If only the situation was as easy as when this candidate last stood in the early 80's. Back then he was pipped by Hawke but would undoubtedly have won Government ,just like Hawke, and with a better haircut. The times do not suit him this time round. ODDS - 100 to 1
Anyhow, if the ALP was that poxy village they have finally tapped the man on the shoulder and pointed him and his barrow towards Crean. Thank Christ ! I could smell him from Granville.
It is not just in things olfactory that the ALP have troubles. Crean is off but they now find themselves without an obvious, time serving boob to replace him with. Don't get me wrong, i am rather fond of the ALP. Mainly cos they aint the cloaca-lition.
So, in dot point Gallimaufry style here's my take on the contenders for the leader of the opposition.
Beazley, Kim : The ALP need to take 8 seats off the coalition to win Goverment. If you want to take odds of them winning between 0 and 7 seats then Beazley is your man for sure and bet up big. Big Kim, a two time loser already, is also, but the odds aren't good, the best chance Labour have of winning. Mainly cos voters "recognise" him and the electorate traditionally takes between 10 to 15 years to know someone's face sufficiently well to want them as PM. Go figure ? Personally, i think Beazley had two terms as leader and he spent them doing nothing but reading a thesaurus and eating cabbage soup every second Wednesday. He's still chunky and would never read the Daily Telegraph unless an advisor thrust it into his hands while he was taking a dump. And it's all about The Telegraph. Dickhead. Disloyal and No idea. But it's all about winning. If i was voting, i'd drink a third of Bourbon, have a few cones and cast my vote for him. ODDS - 2 to 1
LATHAM, Mark : I like Latham a lot. He's not perfect but Christ, Howard is PM. Putting policies aside, being a political leader in Australia is essentially nothing but an exercise in saying the one thing, sounding like you mean it and saying it in a way that the people get. Latham can be, as my mother would put it, rude, crude and unattractive but he is not a bullshitter. The rest of the ALP sound like they are reading lines off of an autocue. When Latham makes a point, he does sound like he means it. But his exploration of a range of "ideas" over the last few years means the Coalition can paint him as someone with a million points of view but believing in no one thing. I think Australia needs an ideas man in charge but the charge the Coalition will level at him is too big a liability. Also, unfortunately, i don't think Australia is ready to go from Howard to someone who uses the word, "arselicker," in public life. Doesn't bother me but takes all sorts. Crean loyalists, who would risk losing to spite Beazley,will vote for him and there'll be lots of them. I'd like to see him as PM one day but this is not his best shot at it. ODDS - 35 to 10.
RUDD, Kevin : Bad teeth and speaks with a voice that sounds like it belongs in the Liberal party. The preferred candidate of Bob Carr and Phillip Adams. A high brow ponce. Would make a capable Foreign Minister. More people would recognise the Dentist whose face can't be shown on TV. I am not going to write any more. He's dreamin'. ODDS - 10 to 1
DOG, A drover's : If only the situation was as easy as when this candidate last stood in the early 80's. Back then he was pipped by Hawke but would undoubtedly have won Government ,just like Hawke, and with a better haircut. The times do not suit him this time round. ODDS - 100 to 1
